I took self loving for granted, give myself a massage, have an ice cream, take a walk on the beach, have a satisfying meal at my favorite restaurant... things like that.
But today I came face to face with the reality that made me question that assumption.
Yesterday I didn't do much; did two productive things on my list and spent the rest of the day wandering aimlessly, hung out at the beach by myself, bought ice cream and some dvds, then watch a dvd while browsing the kindle store.
I went to bed, did my gratitude list, although I felt like I cheated because I didn't feel like I had done anything valuable today. I couldn't sleep. So I watched again some of The Voice shows. It was after midnight when I turned off the lights.
I went to sleep with the pain in my heart; shame, guilt, disgust with myself.
I woke up with the same heavy heart. I looked at my feelings and discovered that I had kept the emotion of being disappointed with myself, like I've let myself down.
I realized that I never wanted to feel it because it's just such an ugly emotion; not something I want to associate with myself. I makes me look worthless, I'm even turning my face away as I wrote this, almost like I'm too embarrassed to see the words I wrote about myself.
I let myself down. I'm not proud with myself. I hadn't done anything meaningful. I had not been productive.
I've kept this emotion deep down inside, ever since I could remember. Got to be useful, got to make an impact.
A big AHA moment for me.
Yet, I couldn't get to the emotion of it. It didn't seem to touch me, this whole thing about feeling the emotion of letting myself down.
Down the rabbit hole I went... then it HIT me...
The reason I didn't want to look at it, feel it, is because there's nothing loving in it. There seems to be nothing good about it: I don't know how to and I don't have love for myself when I think or feel I've been a bad girl. What you've never experienced you won't know how to feel.
Basically... I never knew what love is. I don't know what true love is.
Abba, I want to know what love is. Let me feel your love, let me feel the inflow of your love.
Thank you Abba...
